Lifted Spirits

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SusanZennario
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Lifted Spirits

Post by SusanZennario » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:31 pm

I have not been a happy gal for a long time. In the last couple weeks have serious contemplated quitting scrapping altogether and selling off my stash and tools/supplies. Today something amazing happened. I just finished posting it to my blog so please forgive me but I can't sit here (still recovering from neck surgery) and retype it all but I wanted to share what happened to me this morning! Following is my blog post:


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This layout will always, for the rest of my life, have special meaning to me. Not that any photo of my mom and I is not special, but something happened while I was working on this layout. As some of you know, I lost my Mom on October 13, 2010. Since that time I've struggled with life without her. I talk to inadament objects constantly asking her to tell me she's ok, that she's happy, that she's 'with' me. It never "works" and I go on with the day with an ache in my heart like you could not believe. Losing my mom has been the hardest thing to cope with. She was my best friend. My confidant. My shoulder to cry on and the first person I turned to with news, good or bad. I miss all of those things but most of all I miss her voice. I miss talking to her. Shortly after she passed away my oldest son sent me a link to a YouTube video ofIz Kamakawiwo'ole singing his version of "Over The Rainbow".(You can click the link to see the video if you want.) From that day forward I've held that song close to my heart. Its not a song you will hear played on the radio very often, if at all. When I have needed to hear it I have always gone to that YouTube video.
I moved in July to this house where I have my own scraproom. After weeks of sorting everything out I have finally started scrapping a little bit. I did a layout yesterday using WRMK Fiesta papers.
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Its cute I guess. It can't help but be cute with the photos of the kids when they were so little! But that was it...once it was done, I left my scraproom feeling uninspired, like I can't do it anymore. Last night I cruised around eBay to get an idea of how much I could sell EVERYTHING for. I have a LOT of stuff. I was ready to give up. I just haven't felt anything inspiring for some time. I've PUSHED myself to scrap but my passion and joy for this hobby are soooo diminished from what I used to feel. I breathed scrapbooking. It was a HUGE part of my life and I would steal every moment I could to play with paper and photos and ohh the embellishments. When I wasn't scrapping I was hanging out on ACOT's message board forging friendships with other scrappers or shopping online for MORE stuff. I have stopped that too. I poke into ACOT here and there but all of a sudden felt like I didn't belong anymore. Like everyone moved on without me. Its silly...I know that in my head. Of course everyone has moved on....but being without me has been MY choice, not theirs. I ignored my blog and then was disappointed when I logged on last month to show off my new scraproom only to find out that 21 people who used to follow my blog had stopped following me. Big deal, right? I don't even know who it is that left! I just know how many followers I had and how many I have now. Still...not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I took it to heart...even though again, it was ME who ignored my blog in the first place!
Since i got my iPad in November, I've used Flipboard to view the blogs I follow. In the last 3 months I have not touched it. Today I was up before the sun and reached for my iPad. I played a few games, checked out the local newspaper and put it aside. About an hour later I reached for it again I touched the Flipboard icon. I cruised through a few blogs and came to the new sketch from Sketchy Thursdays. It was not the first sketch I had seen this morning but it was the first one that immediately got ideas running through my head. I even knew the picture/paper I was going to use. (That part was sort of easy as while I was sorting and putting things away after moving here I had matched up an OLD piece of Frances Meyer paper from 2000 to a 42 year old photo of my mom and me. The blue just reminded me of the dress I was wearing. Anyway, the paper and photo have been sitting on my desk for a while now so that part of it was a no-brainer.) I don't know why I got inspired by the sketch....it shows using 3 photos and I only had one. And I would not have used a circle feeling with that photo if left to my druthers. But inspire me it did and I grabbed my coffee and iPad and headed into my scraproom.
The layout came together rather easily although it was a couple hours to get it all glued down. Maybe I need to stop rushing myself to "produce" a ton of layouts. I usually don't spend more than 45 minutes on a layout and that's with starting blank....picking photos, papers, etc. That part was already done!
While I was scrapping I had Pandora open on my iPad, set to my Jack Johnson station. I happily sang along to Jack, U2, John Mayer and similar artists. I finished the layout, took it outside to try to get a decent photo which I didn't...its too bright outside and too dark inside! As I sat at my desk looking at the finished layout and thinking about my mom a new song started....I sat back and took a deep breath. I have listened to this station on Pandora for almost 2 years now and have NEVER heard this song come up in the rotation but here it was....Over the Rainbow by Iz Kamakawiwo'ole. Tears flowed freely and I talked to my layout, telling my mom how much I loved her and missed her. I started to clean up my desk. I was once again uninspired and ready to leave my scraproom. I did a few things in the kitchen, went out and got the mail. I had ordered new checks and they arrived so I walked into my scraproom which doubles as my office to put them away. I was not paying much attention to the music still coming from my iPad until I heard that familiar sound again. No way.....could it be? 7 songs after it played it for the first time it was on again but this time in a version combined with "What A Wonderful Life". The tears flowed again but suddenly it hit me. This is what I was asking for all along. It was my mom telling me that she IS ok. That she IS happy and pain free. That SHE IS WITH ME. I shared what had just happened with my daughter and had goosebumps all over my body while I was telling her. As I was telling her this a new song started....a song from th 60's! Sugar Sugar by the Archies!! THERE IS NO WAY this song belongs on a Jack Johnson station on Pandora! But as I sang along I was smiling....the music my mom loved was from the 60's and "Sugar Sugar" was no exception! My spirits are soooo lifted right now. I just had to share my story AND my layout!! I'm heading out to the pool with my daughter now though to make more memories that she can hold onto after I am gone, just as I have an entire heart full of memories with my own mom, even though she's not physically with me anymore. What a way to start the weekend!
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Susan Zennario - NJ
Mommy of Johnny (20), Matt (14) and Susie (12)
My Blog - Paper Daisy Dreams

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scrappie_stacie
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by scrappie_stacie » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:44 pm

Thank you for sharing your story Susan. I got goosebumps just reading it. So happy you finally got that sign that you've been waiting for.
((((( BIG HUGS ))))
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handerful
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by handerful » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:53 pm

Thank you for sharing this.


(((HUGS))) Make happy memories!
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pawprints
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by pawprints » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:58 pm

((HUGS)) to you Susan! That is amazing and I am so happy for you!
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pawprints
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by pawprints » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:58 pm

Oh and the layout is beautiful!
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JulesinParadise
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by JulesinParadise » Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:59 pm

This is a wonderful story...thank you so much for sharing it with us. And the layout is wonderful...from the heart. Guess they don't call it scrap therapy for nothing, huh? When I feel down, I reach for the paper and glue...it does help! AGAIN, HUGS AND thank you.
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blbabe1234
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by blbabe1234 » Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:06 pm

Many many {{{HUGS}}} to you Susan! It took alot of courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us. Your LO's - like all the others - are fabulous!
~ Brandy Williams ~


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CherryTat
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by CherryTat » Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:11 pm

Thanks for sharing this with us Susan. Geez, I cried when I finished reading it. I am so emotional these days about certain things, and I was just so happy for you!!!! (((HUGS to you))). We got a little bit of a scare this week from my MIL, so I can't even imagine what you have gone through, but I am so very glad that you know now that your Mom is still with you and that she is watching over you. And you are a wonderful scrapper!!!!!
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dshepard
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by dshepard » Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:46 pm

So happy to hear that Susan. You and I were in the same boat last year with my mom passing away in May and yours in October (my mom was my best friend too...talked to her everyday). I had a similar thing happen one night last year when I was writing in my journal about how upset I was about losing her and "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas came on Pandora (not sure what channel I had it on) and if you don't know the song, here is the opening verse:
Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

I wondered if it was her giving me a sign as I too felt like my need for signs were going unanswered. Not sure if I believe it was a sign, but it made me feel better for a while. Then last week when my world was falling apart again after DH lost his job, "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey came on Pandora...this song was one of my mom's favorites and it seemed to fit the situation, so I cranked it, sang along and cried. So I'm trying to hold onto that in the midst of everything going wrong and hope that I can believe things will get better.

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble...bottom line, (((hugs))) to you from someone who knows what you're going through.
Danna :)

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Tinkeringjo
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by Tinkeringjo » Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:39 pm

inspiration and "get up and go-ness" hits us at the most unexpected times and from the most unexpected things, songs, objects, music. It doesnt matter how old we are, we still like that reasurance that everything is ok/going to be ok. Beautiful story and hugs to you.

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Queen Mum
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by Queen Mum » Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:42 pm

A beautiful ending experience, Susan.

There is a quote I love

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. (Native American proverb)

It was a quote that helped me after my husband died.

May I suggest that you make yourself a journal and write to and about your mom in it? This was something that helped me so much when John died. It will also give you a chance to 'talk' to her and keep memories alive.
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PezKat
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by PezKat » Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:04 pm

Oh Susan I'm so happy for you! I know what a struggle you have gone through. It's a beautiful layout and thank you for sharing your story with us.
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Retiree3
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by Retiree3 » Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:17 pm

I'm so glad that you realized that your mom is with you. I ache for you because I have lost both of my parents and I can understand your feelings. I just want to share a short story with you. Many years ago my son was living in Houston and I live in Louisiana . Whenever he visited us and returned home, I always asked him to call me whenever he got to his place. On this particular night the phone call from him was overdue 3 hours. I became so desperate with my prayer." Within seconds my phone rang and my son told me he was fine, but because of an accident on the road all traffic was detoured for many miles. I realized in that moment that my parents were with me and I felt such comfort and peace. I continue to pray to them and ask for help. God bless you Susan.
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Donna-Retiree3-Proud Grandmother of Three Boys!

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cort
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by cort » Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:17 pm

That was definitely your mom coming through! And what an awesome way for her to let you know it's all ok!
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Ayla
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by Ayla » Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:49 pm

Oh, Susan! Your story brought tears to my eyes and gave me goosebumps at the same time! So glad you finally had some.of the reassurance you sought. You have been on my mind so often, I should have reached out more. You are very much a part of the group here, and I am so happy to see you getting some positive things happen! Give aren't enough, but it's going to have to do for today!
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Ayla
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by Ayla » Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:51 pm

Sorry for the typos...I'm posting from my phone and sometimes it does weird things.
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scrapsakes
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by scrapsakes » Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:06 pm

aww (((susan))) you have been going through the grieving process and it's only natural how you have
been feeling lately... the ebb and flow of life, and the creative therapy outlet to express what's within
sometimes helps the most, as well as being still & letting the outside noise subside helps tremendously.

oh can i tell you, THAT song by Iz (i know this is morbid, lol) is what i told dh to play at my funeral?
i know that's a crazy thought, but i've loved that song for years & have it on my ipod, ipad, iphone
and pandora :-D i especially love the "i hear babies cry and i watch them grow..." part which makes
me tear up all the time (sigh) so i understand... now i just have to be nicer when playing "words" :winkb:


ETA: i'm just glad you're not going to quit scrapbooking cuz those layouts are wonderful and special!
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by meteechtap » Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:41 pm

Thank you for sharing your story, it is Beautiful! So glad she wsa able to let you know she is still watching over you!!
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wahoo_mom
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by wahoo_mom » Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:41 pm

Thanks for sharing such a great story. I hope you will scrap it. :-D
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sherry
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Re: Lifted Spirits

Post by sherry » Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:43 pm

That's a good thought- thanks for sharing. Keep up the scrapping- you won't regret it.

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