Information

[Ayla]

I don't think I've been chatting here much lately (although maybe I chatted so much before no one has really noticed lol), and this is because I have been struggling with something for about 3 weeks. Believe it or not, I am a very private person. I will share just about anything....to a point. Beyoond that point, I am very good at protecting and hiding my thoughts and fears and worries and struggles from others. I don't know where that comes from...it's just the way I am. No one in my family knew I was having marriage problems until I showed up at an EAster gathering without my then husband and told everyone they probably would never see him again. I am very skilled at hiding things. Not always a good way to be, particularly when I am struggling with something. So...ladies, please forgive what will probably be a long post....I need a little help.


Sarah is my firstborn...she is 22. She was a dream come true in the delivery room when I found out I had just given birth to a little girl. I had dreamt since i was young myself of having a little girl named Samantha Jo. But with all the duplicate names in my family, I wanted her to be her own person, and her father's name was Samuel Jay....it was too close, so Sarah Beth she became. Sarah...because I love the name. Beth....my middle name is Beth. I have known she is gay since early in high school. In fact, i was the first one to bring it to a conversation. I am a nurse...we learn to observe, and assess, without ever laying hands on people. It extends to something picking up on things many others don't suspect. I have no problem with her being gay. I truly believe that there are so many messed up, negative relationships in this world, that if you find someone who believes in you, who will support you to become more than you ever thought you could be, who will be there for you in the lean times as well as the bountiful ones, then that is a good thing. I also personally believe that this was bolstered by the fact that she has never found support in the male figures in her life beyond my dad. Her father has repeatedly lied to her and broken promised, starting in her pre teen years. I was always there for her, as were other female family members. She learned to seek her support system from women.



Sarah has often been mistaken for a boy...it has happened here, when I get an occasional comment to the effect of..you have so many kids and only 1 girl? I just laways respond, no, that's my daughter. It has never bothered me, nor has it bothered her. I have since found out that she always liked it when people thought she was a boy.



Well, Sarah came home from Missouri for a visit about 3 weeks ago. And Adam left to go back to Missouri a week later. During conversations the first couple of days here, she revealed that she is starting the process of becoming male, Adam. Adam is the name I had picked for her when I was pregnant with her, had she been a boy. I was a little teary eyed when she first brought it up to me...she was a dream come true, and I'll admit to think of her as Adam was a bit of a shock. She has started the legal process of becoming male as well. She has started seeing a counselor, and anticipates that within a month or 2 she will get her "letter", which enables her to be prescribed male hormones, to promote the male phyisical characteristics. She eventually wants to undergo surgery. She has posted on Facebook that she is now going by Adam, and wants to be referred to as male, and have everyone use male prounouns. Her name has gone from Sarah to Sarah-Adam to Adam.



Ultimaately, I love my child and want her/him to be happy. The history is still the same, the personality is still the same, and yet I am struggling. I think I hurt him when I got a little teary eyed during those first conversations, because Ali and Evan have both approached me with "are you okay with this mom, because I know you got a little upset when it was brought up." I want my child happy, and if that is to be as Adam, then so be it. I will love Adam as I have always loved Sarah.



But I still feel like I am mourning the loss of Sarah. It is a dream come true to have that little girl, and now I don't have that, and Ali no longer has a sister. The kids all seem fine with this (except Adrian is a little slower to convert to Adam), and have switched to using "him." The last thing I want is to hurt my child, and I give him credit for at least keeping the lines of communication open. It cannot be easy to approach your mom with something like this... and I think it shows something for the good relationship we have always had. At the same time, in order to fully accept Adam, I feel like I need to mourn the loss of Sarah. I need to come to terms with this change in my life as well. I don't know any other parent who has gone thru this to talk to, and I feel like I'm in a world by myself by not knowing where to go or to whom I can turn and talk this out. It has to be a private (or shared amongst my friends here) process, because I don't want Adam to know how hard this is for me. I want my home and my arms to always be safe for him, and if I let him know that this is hard, I feel like I will be taking away that safe haven.



AS much as I joke that "normal" is highly overrated, and how to we know what "normal" is anyway, I guess I need to know that this sense of needing to mourn my daugher is normal. The struggle is affecting my life in a huge way! I feel like I've shut off part of myself, and other parts of my life are suffereing for that. I don't feel as if I post here much lately, and I love chatting with all my friends here. I'm certainly not scrapping as much, nor nearly as well, as I had been (and I feel like I'm letting Sus down). I want my life back, and I want my scrapping back, and I want my laughter back.



How do you mourn a person that is still alive and well?

[ncokely]

I am married to a person who is a great counselor from being a pastor for 28 years. I usually just sit and listen. After reading your post, Nancy, I think you did a great step in the mourning process by revealing what you are mourning and by understanding the different aspects of your views and your firstborn's point of view. I think the journaling you just did would be great if you kept at it. Buy yourself a journal and alter the outside and embellish the heck out of it and write letters in it to your daughter, to your other kids, and to yourself as the needs arise. Let it be your place to pour out all those thoughts and dreams. Keep in mind that we are always thinking and praying for you.


The other Nancy

[ScrapSis]

Oh Girl, What a lot to deal with!! Of course you have to mourn and eventually deal with it. How is the difficult part. My mourning of a living person was, is my Dad. I love him dearly but he has never been the father that I (and my sibs) felt he should be. He just did not have that in him. I had to decide between accepting him as he is, loving him as who he is or cutting off all ties because he was not the dad I wished he was. I opted for the former. All in all, I had some rough times but once I was able to accept him where he is and what he could give me emotionally, it got easier. Do I still miss the dad I thought he was when I was a kid, Oh Yes. but I do love him.


My suggestions - wander down memory lane of Sarah's life, including the beginnings of his new life. Remember teh good times, cry over the not so good and be happy for him when you can. Maybe do a page or 2 (or even a book of pages) that celebrate Sarah's life and her passing into Adam. Let your emotions guide those pages, put them all in the book, love, happiness, anger, frustration, saddness - all of it. Finish it with 1 welcome Adam page. This would be an intesely personal book and you may never want to share it. But putting all those emotions on paper will help you to give them validity and will help you to let go.



It took me some time and i have a 2 page book that no one else has ever seen, likely never will, but it helped me put to rest some of the harder emotions I was dealing with at the time. Scrappers scrap for many reasons but for a lot of us, it is art that expresses our lives, both good and bad.



Hugs and prayers for you.

[SusanZennario]

I don't have experience from a parent level, but I do have experience with a friend level. One of my good "guy" friends from high school is in her final stages of becoming a female. She has already legally become a woman (and it was not without EXTREME difficulty, both with her family (before accepting this Les was married to a woman and has two teenage sons) and some friends. She recently started a new job and it was before she legally became Tammyrae and just last week decided to make the change at work and began to dress as a woman, wearing heels -- let me tell you she can pull of heels better than anyone I know -- and she's 6 ft tall! She's now experiencing the backlash and stigmas from her coworkers who were used to her being a man (albeit a man with breasts). She does take female hormones but has not had surgery and doesn't know if she will due to the costs involved.

I've supported her as much as I can (trying to help her understand why her wife was doing the things she did...it was a NASTY divorce as you can imagine) from a distance because we live 2 1/2 hours apart. She was concerned about going to our High School reunion but amazingly most of us accepted her and even loved her more....Les the man was very quiet, shy whereas Tammyrae is witty, fun and the life of the party!

I guess my point here is that yes, Adam is in for a long journey but I truly believe that just like you and me, he has to be allowed to do what will make him feel worthy of living in this crazy world! He will learn, as Tammyrae did, who his true friends are and will make many others along the way. There are many transgender support groups that have helped Tammyrae and if you want, I can reach out to her and ask for some names of perhaps National groups. And all you can do as his mom is love him and accept him. You don't have to like it. I've had this conversation with Tammyrae. Its OK to mourn the loss of Sarah. Its ok to miss Sarah. Just as long as you also want to know Adam. I still talk about "old times" with Tammy and when I do, its always with her as a male. Sometimes she is uncomfortable with that but its MY memories and MY past and I don't choose to forget and she knows that she has to be accepting of THAT as much as I am accepting of her no longer being Les.

Its going to be a long road....for you and Adam. Just know that your friends here are there to listen, whenever you need to vent!

[happayscrappay]

I think it's totally normal to be sad about the loss of Sarah while still supporting Adam. When I found out that I was pregnant with a boy for my first, I remember the same mixed emotions over someone I hadn't met yet. I wanted a girl so bad and I felt like I was mourning the loss of a girl at the same time as celebrating and getting used to the gain of a boy.

I did just a quick search for support groups for family members of transgendered individuals and found none. This could be because a very small part of the population goes through the process or because alot of transgendered individuals have many problems in their families causing them to be the primary recipient of support. It is very heart warming to hear that you support your child irregardless of his gender identity. Probably the best thing to do is keep that line of communication open with Adam and let him know how you feel. Assure him that it's not that you don't love him or support him and explain how this change has an effect on you, too. Hopefully he can understand how this is new for you and your family.

I don't know any people who have changed their gender. I am friends with and work with quite a few gay men and women so I have a much greater understanding of those issues. I also think it's pretty brave of you to start talking about this in a public place with us. So often, this sort of thing is shut away in a closet, ostracized, and/or ridiculed. And, that breaks my heart because first and foremost, we are all people and we all have emotions, wants, and needs. Really, thanks for sharing with us.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever watched the show "The L Word"? It has a woman who is transitioning to be a man as one of the main characters. It's all available on DVD as the show is over now. There are 6 seasons worth of episodes, all dealing with the struggles and lives of lesbians.

[Ayla]

I guess my point here is that yes, Adam is in for a long journey but I truly believe that just like you and me, he has to be allowed to do what will make him feel worthy of living in this crazy world! He will learn, as Tammyrae did, who his true friends are and will make many others along the way. There are many transgender support groups that have helped Tammyrae and if you want, I can reach out to her and ask for some names of perhaps National groups. And all you can do as his mom is love him and accept him. You don't have to like it. I've had this conversation with Tammyrae. Its OK to mourn the loss of Sarah. Its ok to miss Sarah. Just as long as you also want to know Adam. I still talk about "old times" with Tammy and when I do, its always with her as a male. Sometimes she is uncomfortable with that but its MY memories and MY past and I don't choose to forget and she knows that she has to be accepting of THAT as much as I am accepting of her no longer being Les.

Its going to be a long road....for you and Adam. Just know that your friends here are there to listen, whenever you need to vent!

Yes, I would appreciate that information very much. I actually asked him about scrapping....My questions was..."So...do I scrap you as Sarah before today and Adam from her in?" A smile and a yes were what I got. So perhaps he also recognizes that Sarah is a part of my past and my life, and always will be. He has a court date too, for a legal name change, so it's definitely progressing. For some odd reason, I'm having a harder time with "he" and "him" than I am with "Adam." A name is a name....a pronoun is an identity. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I don't know how else to explain it. If I could use "Adam" and "she", I think I'd be happy! lol I know women named Dale and men named Gale, so a name doesn't mean anything. He also had told me that many people who are transgendered ask their parents to choose the new middle name....kind of like they chose it once, and this keeps the parent involved. It took me a couple of days, and I think this hurt him, but I explained I took 7 months to name my kids when they were born, it was going to take more than an hour to do this. I was talking to a friend at work about this, and she suggested perhaps Joseph, as the original name I had dreamt of for a little girl was Jo. Adam has taken to this idea, and is now using the name Adam Joseph. I was pretty touched by that.

[Ayla]

Just out of curiosity, have you ever watched the show "The L Word"? It has a woman who is transitioning to be a man as one of the main characters. It's all available on DVD as the show is over now. There are 6 seasons worth of episodes, all dealing with the struggles and lives of lesbians.

I've seen episodes, but I have never been good with shows that carry a theme from week to week as I get frustrated when I miss an episode and have to figure out what happened. With my work schedule, it's just to hard to keep up wtih something like that. And originally I believe it was a Showtime program, and Showtime was just something that wasn't in the budget. I should check on getting it from Netflix...I know Sarah always enjoyed watching the show. I don't know if Adam still likes it or not.

[CherryTat]

I guess my point here is that yes, Adam is in for a long journey but I truly believe that just like you and me, he has to be allowed to do what will make him feel worthy of living in this crazy world! He will learn, as Tammyrae did, who his true friends are and will make many others along the way. There are many transgender support groups that have helped Tammyrae and if you want, I can reach out to her and ask for some names of perhaps National groups. And all you can do as his mom is love him and accept him. You don't have to like it. I've had this conversation with Tammyrae. Its OK to mourn the loss of Sarah. Its ok to miss Sarah. Just as long as you also want to know Adam. I still talk about "old times" with Tammy and when I do, its always with her as a male. Sometimes she is uncomfortable with that but its MY memories and MY past and I don't choose to forget and she knows that she has to be accepting of THAT as much as I am accepting of her no longer being Les.

Its going to be a long road....for you and Adam. Just know that your friends here are there to listen, whenever you need to vent!

Yes, I would appreciate that information very much. I actually asked him about scrapping....My questions was..."So...do I scrap you as Sarah before today and Adam from her in?" A smile and a yes were what I got. So perhaps he also recognizes that Sarah is a part of my past and my life, and always will be. He has a court date too, for a legal name change, so it's definitely progressing. For some odd reason, I'm having a harder time with "he" and "him" than I am with "Adam." A name is a name....a pronoun is an identity. That probably doesn't make any sense, but I don't know how else to explain it. If I could use "Adam" and "she", I think I'd be happy! lol I know women named Dale and men named Gale, so a name doesn't mean anything. He also had told me that many people who are transgendered ask their parents to choose the new middle name....kind of like they chose it once, and this keeps the parent involved. It took me a couple of days, and I think this hurt him, but I explained I took 7 months to name my kids when they were born, it was going to take more than an hour to do this. I was talking to a friend at work about this, and she suggested perhaps Joseph, as the original name I had dreamt of for a little girl was Jo. Adam has taken to this idea, and is now using the name Adam Joseph. I was pretty touched by that.

Nancy, that is a great step for you both. I think that all you are going through is perfectly normal, and that, with a little time, it will all seem "normal". Of course you have to mourn Sarah, how could you not? There have already been some good suggestions here from other cherries, I do not really have anything to add only that we are all here for you. And if you ever want to vent in private, just PM me You are an awesome Mom and Adam is very lucky to have you, as this must be very difficult fro him too.

[oceanbreezes423]

Wow Nancy, I can only imagine your confusion and sorrow. I have NO experience with anything like this, although I do have a niece that is gay. I commend you for your openness, as I feel that could be step one in your healing. I definitely believe you need to mourn Sarah, she was, and to a degree will always be a part of your life. Yet you acceptance of Adam, and his choices in my opinion show strength that I don't know if I could do. I think the journal idea is wonderful, something where you can write your deepest thoughts/concerns to get them out, but private also. I wish you all the luck and somehow feel you will do and be just fine!

[beachlover]

(((((hugs)))) to you! as a parent I have no idea how I would ever approach this sort of thing but I think you are amazing and did a terrific job! I understand how you feel the loss of a daughter but thank God your child was not phyically taken from you and take a small comfort in that... Adam is going through a lot and needs hs mother's love and support and I know you will be there for him!

[sarahwhithers]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to give you big hugs and to wish both of you the best of luck. It will be a hard road for both of you, and you know us cherry gals are here for you!

[Ayla]

(((((hugs)))) to you! as a parent I have no idea how I would ever approach this sort of thing but I think you are amazing and did a terrific job! I understand how you feel the loss of a daughter but thank God your child was not phyically taken from you and take a small comfort in that... Adam is going through a lot and needs hs mother's love and support and I know you will be there for him!

You are 110% correct, and thank you for saying that. Sometimes I need to be bopped in the head with a little perspective.

[amberella]

Nancy, I'm so happy to see what a wonderful, supportive, understanding mother you are, and I can totally understand why this is difficult for you to cope with despite that. The one thing I can suggest that I'm not sure anyone else has, specifically, is that maybe you could see a counselor too. It doesn't have to be a long term "therapy," or a support group (though it would help if you could find one!), but perhaps sitting down with someone who is trained (as I will be, in a few years!) to help people cope with things exactly like this would help you wrap your head around it and deal. There's obviously nothing wrong with you that you NEED to seek help, it's just an option to think about if you want a non family/friend perspective on it sometime.

Good luck to you guys! I hope everything turns out just the way that Adam wants

[ChrissyTina]

First of all, my hat's off to you to for having the courage to share this most private moment in your life. And I must say, I am moved to tears for you.

I think you are handling this amazingly! Adam is lucky to have a mom who is so accepting and truly loves him UNCONDITIONALLY. Of course you need to mourn the loss of Sarah. But when you're ready, celebrate the "birth" of Adam. He is still the same wonderful and loving person YOU raised. And to have such an open line of communication is a true testament to that. I definitely think that counseling or a support group to help you cope with this huge change would be a good thing, for both of you as well as your family. While we will always be here for you, there are some things that we can't help or offer you that a professional can.

You will be in my thoughts and keep your heart and mind open as you have been doing. Give yourself and Adam some time to come to terms with this. You haven't lost your child and that's what is most important.

{{{hugs}}}

[Retiree3]

Nancy,
I strongly believe in the power of God , the Blessed Mother , and the saints. If it were not for them, I don't know where I would be. I pray to them about all my troubles and joys and I always get an answer. It may not be the answer I want, but it's the best answer for me. I will pray for you so that you can find the peace you need. God bless you.

[Queen Mum]

Sweetie, I don't think you are mourning the "person" so much as mourning the idea of the person. Your child is still with you - but not the person you thought he was - you thought of him as a girl and now you don't have that girl child anymore.

When we think of a child in a certain roll, in this case, a girl, you have dreams associated with that girl: Weddings and the birth of her child come to mind.

There is no chance of going with your child to pick out a wedding dress and so on. That dream is gone.

You can mourn that.

But you can still be happy that your child has been able to come out to you and be who he wants to be. So you can be joyful in that - that your child trusted you to know that he would still be loved no matter what name or sex he decided to be.

[handerful]

((HUGS))) to you, Nancy! Chrissy said exactly what I was going to say - you have every right to take time to mourn the loss of Sarah. But this is also time to celebrate the birth of Adam. And you should be able to take some time to wrap your mind around the idea. Like you said yourself, when your children were born, you had at least 7 months or so to prepare. That was for a baby! Adam is a full grown person with thoughts, ideas, and dreams of his own.

[meteechtap]

First of all, my hat's off to you to for having the courage to share this most private moment in your life. And I must say, I am moved to tears for you.

I also find tears falling down as I read your post. I do not have experience with ths either, but am truley awed by your Unconditional Love for your child!! If I am ever to face this situation I will always remeber your loving example with Sarah to Adam transition.

I also believe Adam will not expect you to forget Sarah either. You have been the Main Parental Guidence in his life and knows you'll be there for Him whatever he needs. Did you ask him if he had any plans himself for saying goodbye to Sarah? Maybe you could say goodbye together?

I love the journal Idea! It would go a long way for the mourning and closure you are needing.

Hugs to both of you and to all your children.

[LyndaKay]

How lucky Adam is to have a mother like you! And his siblings sound wonderful, too. Hugs to you, Nancy. It's a big bump in the road, but you'll make it and so will he. Take a deep breath, relax and just let the process unfold. It already sounds like communication in no problem, so keep talking and expressing your feelings to him. Bless you both.

[scrapaholic]

While you are having a struggle with all this, as you should, you demonstrated in your post what a wonderful parent you are and beautiful accepting person. Gvie yourself time and you will cope easier and easier I'm sure by seeing that you didn't really lose your daughter she is in your heart, and you will have a wonderful son with the same heart and love as your daughter.